"High to Low to Love" is the best way I know to describe the past week. First a bit of background... about a week ago, a friend I deeply respect spoke into my life that I need to come to a place of being ok with missing the mark on things. I am not perfect, I can't be perfect, and I can't be driven by fear of failure or of messing up. God is not interested in perfect performance--He wants me to be assured of His love for me no matter what.
On Friday night, I experienced my greatest "high" since arriving in New Zealand. At our Reconnect Concert for the WMCNZ Youth, over 300 people attended representing 15 local churches. The turn-out was incredible--but more than that, the power and unifying presence of the Holy Spirit was amazing. I came home after the rally so encouraged and so lifted up that I couldn't even sleep that night. HIGH.
The next few days continued the high, being with several of our congregations, participating in planning for the IWU Sports Blitz next year, and attending 24/7 Youth Worker Training at the beginning of the week.
Then Wednesday morning happened. I was in a car accident that caused my vehicle to be written off and my insurance premium to be raised. LOW. Praise God, no one was hurt. Praise God for car insurance that will cover the expense of repairing the other vehicle and part of the cost of replacing my own. However, I came home feeling so embarrassed and frustrated with myself, replaying the accident over and over again in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently. How could I have been more focused? How could I have avoided the wreck? I just felt shamed... like this was a sign of not adjusting properly to life in New Zealand. I found myself thinking, "Oh man... I'm the dumb American who got in a wreck at a roundabout... How do I face people here? What about my support team in the States? What will they think about the fact that I have to find another car? Will they think I wasn't a good steward?" All this negative self-talk surfaced that accused me of being not good enough for others to "approve" of me--over an accident! I found myself not wanting my friends to even know about the wreck because I was just embarrassed, but of course, people had to find out.
And then today I was reading a book some friends loaned me about the implications of the Trinitarian life and love on ministry and the Christian life. While reading, the phone and computer continued to alert me of both Kiwi and American friends who are concerned about me, wanting to make sure I am doing ok. And I'm reading about how through the love of the Trinity, we are meant to live and minister out of a sense of surety of God's love for us that is not earned or based on our performance. Somehow all these cross-hairs lined up to teach me something on a personal level about love. I realize more than ever how much I tend to base my perception of God's love and others love for me on performance. And suddenly a wave just washed over me that people love me, not because of what I do or don't do, whether or not I make a seamless transition into Kiwi culture and life,... but just because of the love of God in them. And then that same wave washed over me from above... a sense of God's love for me that is not based on what I do or how hard I work or whether or not I am "productive." And now I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed by this LOVE.
From HIGH to LOW to LOVE. Praise God, who promises to work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He can even use a car accident to reveal more to us about the depths of His love for us and the love that saturates His community.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Lots Going Down!
EMMAUS WALK:
Life in Aotearoa New Zealand has been full-on lately! After battling sickness for a few days, I got back in the rhythm of life just in time to attend an Emmaus Walk. This was a great weekend of connecting with some awesome women in the wider Church body as well as God ministering to me in a personal way. After Emmaus, I came home to my flat which has been a bit more full lately. :)
AMERICAN VISITORS:
My flatmate's sister has been here visiting for three weeks. Sadly, she heads back to the U.S. tomorrow. Last Monday, the three of us went to the Auckland Zoo together. It was super fun! The zoo here is fantastic! It's been great to have a visitor staying with us, and she is not the only American who has arrived lately, either! Two representatives from the study abroad programme at I.W.U. have been here as well--we were able to meet up a couple of times to discuss opportunities for I.W.U. students here in Auckland. The Bowlins, great friends of mine and fellow GP tribe members in the South Pacific, arrived on Wednesday morning to Auckland. I was able to greet them "dark and early" at the airport. This family served in New Zealand for two years, and they are currently touching base here for a month before going on to Papua New Guinea for a term of service. It has been great to reconnect with them.
MINISTRY:
I have been able to connect with several youth leaders over the past week. That's always a highlight for me. Wednesday night, a group of us played laser tag with teenagers from Redoubt North. I love laser tag. :) Thursday night, some leaders from our Central Auckland churches gathered to discuss the I.W.U. Sports Blitz outreach scheduled to take place in Auckland one year from now.
This past weekend was intense. Friday night, I preached at a youth group, Saturday, at a youth rally, and Sunday, at a youth-focused Sunday service. God is faithful, even to the point of helping me through leading a children's lesson on Sunday! (Those of you who know me well know that when kids' ages can be expressed in one number, I get a little out of my comfort zone!)
Upcoming, I will be sharing at a youth group tomorrow and we are having a large combined youth rally on Friday night called "Reconnect." (Our past IGNITE Camp was themed around getting connected, so this is an opportunity to reconnect with everyone from camp).
PERSONAL SPIRITUAL JOURNEY:
Lately, God has been speaking to me a LOT about grace and unconditional love. I am realizing more and more how prone I am to living like I need to somehow earn God's approval--a task that proves more than depressing. Living like I need to earn something from God just brings a constant sense of guilt and condemnation. Yet God is slowly teaching me about His grace and the nature of His love for me. We do not have to perform for God--in fact, He is not interested in our "performance." He's interested in our hearts. Anything that we do should flow out of response to His love. Perhaps you, like me, struggle to understand grace and love in a personal way. We can spout off intellectual doctrines about them, but the question is whether or not we allow ourselves to experience them. I want to encourage you to press in with me that we, "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." -Ephesians 3:18. Russ Gunsalus recently made a statement in a speech that has really resonated with me. "God loves you, minister, more than He loves your ministry." It's easy to get caught up in trying to work for God and forget what it means to be loved by God in personal relationship. I believe I'm on a journey right now with this, one that will probably continue for a while. I'll try to post personal insights as they come.
Life in Aotearoa New Zealand has been full-on lately! After battling sickness for a few days, I got back in the rhythm of life just in time to attend an Emmaus Walk. This was a great weekend of connecting with some awesome women in the wider Church body as well as God ministering to me in a personal way. After Emmaus, I came home to my flat which has been a bit more full lately. :)
AMERICAN VISITORS:
My flatmate's sister has been here visiting for three weeks. Sadly, she heads back to the U.S. tomorrow. Last Monday, the three of us went to the Auckland Zoo together. It was super fun! The zoo here is fantastic! It's been great to have a visitor staying with us, and she is not the only American who has arrived lately, either! Two representatives from the study abroad programme at I.W.U. have been here as well--we were able to meet up a couple of times to discuss opportunities for I.W.U. students here in Auckland. The Bowlins, great friends of mine and fellow GP tribe members in the South Pacific, arrived on Wednesday morning to Auckland. I was able to greet them "dark and early" at the airport. This family served in New Zealand for two years, and they are currently touching base here for a month before going on to Papua New Guinea for a term of service. It has been great to reconnect with them.
MINISTRY:
I have been able to connect with several youth leaders over the past week. That's always a highlight for me. Wednesday night, a group of us played laser tag with teenagers from Redoubt North. I love laser tag. :) Thursday night, some leaders from our Central Auckland churches gathered to discuss the I.W.U. Sports Blitz outreach scheduled to take place in Auckland one year from now.
This past weekend was intense. Friday night, I preached at a youth group, Saturday, at a youth rally, and Sunday, at a youth-focused Sunday service. God is faithful, even to the point of helping me through leading a children's lesson on Sunday! (Those of you who know me well know that when kids' ages can be expressed in one number, I get a little out of my comfort zone!)
Upcoming, I will be sharing at a youth group tomorrow and we are having a large combined youth rally on Friday night called "Reconnect." (Our past IGNITE Camp was themed around getting connected, so this is an opportunity to reconnect with everyone from camp).
PERSONAL SPIRITUAL JOURNEY:
Lately, God has been speaking to me a LOT about grace and unconditional love. I am realizing more and more how prone I am to living like I need to somehow earn God's approval--a task that proves more than depressing. Living like I need to earn something from God just brings a constant sense of guilt and condemnation. Yet God is slowly teaching me about His grace and the nature of His love for me. We do not have to perform for God--in fact, He is not interested in our "performance." He's interested in our hearts. Anything that we do should flow out of response to His love. Perhaps you, like me, struggle to understand grace and love in a personal way. We can spout off intellectual doctrines about them, but the question is whether or not we allow ourselves to experience them. I want to encourage you to press in with me that we, "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." -Ephesians 3:18. Russ Gunsalus recently made a statement in a speech that has really resonated with me. "God loves you, minister, more than He loves your ministry." It's easy to get caught up in trying to work for God and forget what it means to be loved by God in personal relationship. I believe I'm on a journey right now with this, one that will probably continue for a while. I'll try to post personal insights as they come.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Transition Continues
After being in NZ for over 4 months, I'm realizing that transition is a long word. :) Here are a few examples!
1. I reached into my jeans pocket to make sure there wasn't any money it before putting the jeans in the wash. I felt paper and thought, "oh, that must just be a receipt, not money," and was about to throw it away--when I realized it was definitely money. The texture of Kiwi money is different from that of US money, and even after four months, I associate the US texture with cash. SO glad I looked at it before throwing it away!
2. I'm recovering from being sick with a flu-ish bug. While I was sick, I realized that one of the only medications that helps me when I'm sick is not available here. Not only that, but I can't find just good old, regular, salty, very-little-chicken, Campbell's chicken noodle soup! The only kinds are the hearty ones with big chunks of chicken and veggies! Top all that off, when I was driving while not feeling well, I kept questioning, "Am I on the right side of the road?" I was--but just not feeling well was enough to make me very uncertain!
3. At a 21st birthday party where I was asked to share the devotion, I was talking with the pastor beforehand about how things would be structured for the evening. After explaining it to me, he asked, "So Bob's your uncle?" I was blown away... I had never told him that I had an uncle named Bob! He saw the confusion in my expression and explained that this is just a saying in the British Commonwealth that means, "Is everything all good? Everything sweet?" Then he had a laugh when I told him I had an uncle named Bob. :)
Transition is a long word. Definitely longer than four months. Some things that are long are really good! Like an extra long coney dog from Sonic. Mmmm... Sonic... I miss that. Focus. Anyway, some things about the length of transition are really exciting. I love learning new things, experiencing new things, on a regular basis! Other things that are long aren't so fun... Like long lines at the DMV. There are aspects of long transition that are frustrating, like not having your usual comfort items when you're sick. :) Even in times when transition seems hard, I am reminded of God's faithfulness, the beauty of His Body, and the consistency of Who He is.
I am thrilled by God's faithfulness. I am amazed by His grace. I am so thankful for His peace. And I am encouraged by the ways He has answered prayer and moved among us here in Aotearoa New Zealand. I am privileged to experience this transition with Him and in the midst of His Church here. I have the gift of working with an amazing team of youth leaders and young people. I am stoked about what God has planned for the future here!
1. I reached into my jeans pocket to make sure there wasn't any money it before putting the jeans in the wash. I felt paper and thought, "oh, that must just be a receipt, not money," and was about to throw it away--when I realized it was definitely money. The texture of Kiwi money is different from that of US money, and even after four months, I associate the US texture with cash. SO glad I looked at it before throwing it away!
2. I'm recovering from being sick with a flu-ish bug. While I was sick, I realized that one of the only medications that helps me when I'm sick is not available here. Not only that, but I can't find just good old, regular, salty, very-little-chicken, Campbell's chicken noodle soup! The only kinds are the hearty ones with big chunks of chicken and veggies! Top all that off, when I was driving while not feeling well, I kept questioning, "Am I on the right side of the road?" I was--but just not feeling well was enough to make me very uncertain!
3. At a 21st birthday party where I was asked to share the devotion, I was talking with the pastor beforehand about how things would be structured for the evening. After explaining it to me, he asked, "So Bob's your uncle?" I was blown away... I had never told him that I had an uncle named Bob! He saw the confusion in my expression and explained that this is just a saying in the British Commonwealth that means, "Is everything all good? Everything sweet?" Then he had a laugh when I told him I had an uncle named Bob. :)
Transition is a long word. Definitely longer than four months. Some things that are long are really good! Like an extra long coney dog from Sonic. Mmmm... Sonic... I miss that. Focus. Anyway, some things about the length of transition are really exciting. I love learning new things, experiencing new things, on a regular basis! Other things that are long aren't so fun... Like long lines at the DMV. There are aspects of long transition that are frustrating, like not having your usual comfort items when you're sick. :) Even in times when transition seems hard, I am reminded of God's faithfulness, the beauty of His Body, and the consistency of Who He is.
I am thrilled by God's faithfulness. I am amazed by His grace. I am so thankful for His peace. And I am encouraged by the ways He has answered prayer and moved among us here in Aotearoa New Zealand. I am privileged to experience this transition with Him and in the midst of His Church here. I have the gift of working with an amazing team of youth leaders and young people. I am stoked about what God has planned for the future here!
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