High to Low to Love

"High to Low to Love" is the best way I  know to describe the past week.  First a bit of background... about a week ago, a friend I deeply respect spoke into my life that I need to come to a place of being ok with missing the mark on things.  I am not perfect, I can't be perfect, and I can't be driven by fear of failure or of messing up.  God is not interested in perfect performance--He wants me to be assured of His love for me no matter what.

On Friday night, I experienced my greatest "high" since arriving in New Zealand.  At our Reconnect Concert for the WMCNZ Youth, over 300 people attended representing 15 local churches.  The turn-out was incredible--but more than that, the power and unifying presence of the Holy Spirit was amazing.  I came home after the rally so encouraged and so lifted up that I couldn't even sleep that night.  HIGH.

The next few days continued the high, being with several of our congregations, participating in planning for the IWU Sports Blitz next year, and attending 24/7 Youth Worker Training at the beginning of the week.

Then Wednesday morning happened.  I was in a car accident that caused my vehicle to be written off and my insurance premium to be raised.  LOW.  Praise God, no one was hurt.  Praise God for car insurance that will cover the expense of repairing the other vehicle and part of the cost of replacing my own.  However, I came home feeling so embarrassed and frustrated with myself, replaying the accident over and over again in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently.  How could I have been more focused?  How could I have avoided the wreck?  I just felt shamed... like this was a sign of not adjusting properly to life in New Zealand.  I found myself thinking, "Oh man...  I'm the dumb American who got in a wreck at a roundabout...  How do I face people here?  What about my support team in the States?  What will they think about the fact that I have to find another car?  Will they think I wasn't a good steward?"  All this negative self-talk surfaced that accused me of being not good enough for others to "approve" of me--over an accident!  I found myself not wanting my friends to even know about the wreck because I was just embarrassed, but of course, people had to find out. 

And then today I was reading a book some friends loaned me about the implications of the Trinitarian life and love on ministry and the Christian life.  While reading, the phone and computer continued to alert me of both Kiwi and American friends who are concerned about me, wanting to make sure I am doing ok.  And I'm reading about how through the love of the Trinity, we are meant to live and minister out of a sense of surety of God's love for us that is not earned or based on our performance.  Somehow all these cross-hairs lined up to teach me something on a personal level about love.  I realize more than ever how much I tend to base my perception of God's love and others love for me on performance.  And suddenly a wave just washed over me that people love me, not because of what I do or don't do, whether or not I make a seamless transition into Kiwi culture and life,... but just because of the love of God in them.  And then that same wave washed over me from above... a sense of God's love for me that is not based on what I do or how hard I work or whether or not I am "productive."  And now I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed by this LOVE. 

From HIGH to LOW to LOVE.  Praise God, who promises to work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  He can even use a car accident to reveal more to us about the depths of His love for us and the love that saturates His community.